This Isn't the Right Time

Tessa didn’t want to start a fight. Not here. Not now. So she smiled. And nodded. And avoided making eye contact. And quickly changed the topic of conversation. This has been going on for too long, she thought to herself. The knot in her stomach tightened. I can’t believe she actually said that to me. Did she say it without thinking or she say it with meaningful purpose, fully knowing what her words implied? Tessa really wanted to say something to Clary. But naturally, Tessa ignored it all. She did not start wars. She kept the peace.

And what was she to say anyways? How was she to express her frustration without hurting Clary’s feelings? How would she convey her anger and pity when she wasn’t even entirely sure where they was coming from? And where would this conversation have led? Would it have been worth it in the end? Was it a friendship worth saving or was it doomed from the very beginning? I’ll talk to her later. This isn’t the right time.

The two of them walked over together in silence and sat down at the lunch table. Shoulders tensed. Backs straightened. Arms crossed. Eyes shifted tersely. But Clary was oblivious to the effects her presence had on everyone else. Conversation resumed momentarily after an imperceptible pause. Tessa bit her lip and looked across the table, making eye contact with June. Clary waited a few minutes, but it soon became clear that she couldn’t make this conversation about herself and her new boyfriend. The new boyfriend that was more important than her friends. So she pulled out her phone and preoccupied herself with flashing words and images on a tiny screen. The anger boiled up in Tessa. So whenever you need something, you never hesitate to complain, but as soon as someone else starts talking about themselves, you lose interest? June rolled her eyes, making eye contact with Tessa once again. Tessa nodded. But then the guilt slowly began creeping in. This didn’t feel right to Tessa. The stolen glances, the tense body language, the unsaid words. It all felt horrible, actually, and Tessa felt her stomach plummet. But she didn’t breathe a single word. But she kept smiling. And nodding. I’ll talk to her later. This isn’t the right time.

Tessa and her friends weren’t normally the girls who whispered behind backs. They were the amiable, inconspicuous group of girls who absolutely hated drama. But Clary inadvertently brought drama everywhere she went and managed to push all of them to the edge. To push them all the breaking point where they began to abandon their usual demeanors.

But not every memory Tessa had of Clary was tarnished. She did have recollections of the two of them that truly made her smile, like that video with the curling iron. But the others never seemed to remember these pleasant moments as vividly as Tessa did, since Clary had always been the closest to Tessa. It was still amazing, though, how quickly and easily the others lost their need to be polite when it came to Clary. Even June no longer seemed to care.

“Don’t take this the wrong the way.” Those were the first words that had rushed forth when Tessa had picked up the phone. “I love Clary as a friend, I really do,” June had continued, to prevent any confusion right from the beginning. “But I can’t stand her behavior anymore. I thought you of all people would understand,” she finished with a sigh. The relief flooded Tessa’s mind, because she did understand. Tessa had always thought she was alone in her feelings. And despite the guilt she felt at even having this conversation, for such words are very rarely spoken aloud, Tessa was relieved. There was at least one person Tessa could talk to openly and honestly. And that one hour phone call ended with a promise between June and Tessa that they would talk Clary next week. But next week turned into the week after, and the week after turned into next month, and next month turned into the one after. Every time Tessa and June solemnly asserted “Today is going to be the day,” something or the other always blocked their path. The right time that they were continually waiting for kept escaping from their grasps. And so the distance between Clary and the others eventually grew wider and wider. Until it became the uncomfortable standstill that it was today. Now, conversations between Tessa and Clary always ended with Tessa’s reassuring smile, which seemed to be reassuring to everyone but Tessa herself. And Tessa never said what was on her mind because of the one thought that always predominated: This isn’t the right time. It never quite seemed to be the right time.

Clary was still on her phone. Tessa looked down at the ground. She was starting to lose her strength to play nice. I should have seen it from the beginning. How could I not have seen it? Clary always only cared about herself, and now the consequences of putting up with it for two years are finally starting to catch up with me. She was never the friend she thought was and that I desperately wanted her to be. 

After what felt like eternity, Clary finally got up and left, right in the middle of lunch. No one had asked about her relationship with Henry, so she was no longer interested in hanging out. Typical. She silently picked up her backpack and walked away. Immediately, shoulders relaxed. Arms uncrossed. Backs slouched. Sighs of relief were exhaled. As soon as Clary was out of earshot, June made a snarky comment about Clary’s outfit. But Tessa knew the outfit wasn’t the true source of June’s anger. But it was still funny, and it felt good to give in and mock the outfit. And so Tessa smiled. And nodded. And laughed along with the others, ignoring tightening knot in her stomach.