She

She

One. She’s ugly. Hideous really, her whole face is awkward, from the disproportionate nose to the bizarre greenish muck that is the pond scum green of her eyes. Her hair is too frizzy, the curls are too much - really, what is that growing off of her head? The freckles on her face look like freshly flicked dirt. Yuck.

“Hi…”

She whispers sheepishly as if she is afraid of breaking the delicate glass constitution that is my burly frame. HA. She wrings her hands nervously, fidgeting with her pale nails. She is playing with the corner of her third finger, running her thumb along it in desperate anxiety. Tugging at the ends of her shirt with her free hand, the one that isn’t freaking me out with its weird alien gestures, she looks around as if waiting for something. Is she looking at me? Wait, say something. React. What do I say? You’re ugly. Wait, no, that’s insulting, I can’t just say that. You’re beautiful! No! What the f*ck, brain, where did that come from? She is like a weird, weird, strange little…strange little…thing. No, she is the queen of weird little things. What, no, don't think of her as   queen; that’s just...weird. Ok, get a grip. You got this, you are the man. Alright, how do I respond to that? Am I even sure she was talking to me, is this even, was she really… wait she’s still looking at me and doing that strange finger thing, she was definitely talking to me. Although that finger playing thing is kind of endearing… what, no, focus, boy. Alright, respond on three, ready... one, two, three, go!

Ten. “ Hey.”

Yes, good one me. Nailed it. Oh no, she’s smiling, she's going to bare those unsightly fangs, huh. They’re sort of blinding. What are those, does everyone have teeth that white? And straight? What do my teeth look like? Sh*t, I bet there is food in them… what if I just… no, stop, don't stick your finger in your mouth and pick your teeth she's still looking. What if I just turn around and try to fix this… no, then she’ll think I’m ignoring her. Okay so I’ll just go for the closed mouth grin… no, she’s raising an eyebrow, she probably thinks I’m giving her a pervy creep grin - nope, back to neutral face. Yes, stun her with your natural manly bone structure. No hint of emotion. You are a man. No, you are the man. Yeah.  Her eyebrows are nice though. And her eyelashes. Those are long, wow they’re really long, and not caked in that mascara sh*t. I thought girls didn’t have eyelashes and thats why they have to glue them on. Now she probably thinks I’m staring into her eyes and trying to have a deep emotional moment, no no, let me just inspect your eyelashes without you reading into it. Oh sh*t, did the teacher just tell her to sit next to me? Did it really just take me ten whole seconds to register that? Oh, that’s why she said hi, that makes sense, why else would she talk to me? Okay, she’s sitting down, okay make way for that. Don’t take up more space than your chair or desk, do not break the desk space bubble, okay do not move, freeze, don't even breathe. She smells pretty. Oh no, the pond scum pools are turning towards me, she’s looking at me, her face is so close to mine, why are desks placed in such close proximity, do not breathe or move or she’ll see you. Oh, she’s looking past me at the teacher.

Twenty. No don't look at the teacher, look at me. Okay now I’ll just sit here and look casual and cool, yes cool is crucial. Where do I place my hands even? On the table, no now I look like the Sphinx, on my leg, ew no my hands are sweaty, okay decide and stop flailing your hands around; you look like an idiot.  I’ll just pull out a pencil and tap it. That’s pretty casual. Let me just find a pencil... wait I should ask her for one. Yes, good idea that would be smooth, so smooth that they’ll dedicate some sort of altar to me, no, a shrine with a banner over it reading “Behold: King of Smoothness and Manly God of all things Manly.” Nice. We’ll work on it later. Alright how do you ask for a pencil, okay I got this, alright just open your mouth and produce a sound. No! Not that sound you buffoon, you sound like a birthing buffalo in Botswana. Oh now you’ve got her attention alright. I just need to dig a hole, crawl into it, and die. Well now she's looking at me again, I don't blame her, aside from my stunning looks, in the last ten seconds  I’ve moved my hands more times than a spastic chicken attempting to take flight and made a strange choking noise akin to a platypuses mating call. Is it platypuses or platypi? Platypi maybe? I should really look this up, no! Focus, shes looks as if shes expecting you to say something after all of that sh*t you just did. Okay here we go, you got this, it’s all you,“Do you..um” keep going, don't mumble; speak with diction and authority, those eyes, oh god I think I’m in love. “So… do you um, have a pencil?”