A Not-So Frozen Heart

Alexei Rodriguez

Mrs. Bennett

Flash Fiction

4/18/14

A Not-So Frozen Heart

            The fire in my dorm blazes quietly, a soft crackling emanating from the cedar logs. On this frigid day, the warm envelope of air is greatly appreciated, but I feel uncomfortably cold. I set down my kindle and look to my left to see my friend Richard, well maybe more than a friend to me, quietly reading a novel by the firelight. Could he be more than my friend? I wonder to myself. I push the thought aside, dismissing it as silly. It comes back to me, and I try locking it in its little closet once more. This isn’t anything new, but it continues surfacing in my mind, and it’s so much more than normal. I stand up and go outside to get some fresh air, thinking it will help me overcome this chill.

            I am met outside by a blast of cold, crisp air that chills me more than I already am. I expected it to be tranquil, the snow having let up, but I am ambushed by a group of unwelcome visitors. A flock of beady-eyed crows is seated on my terrace and as soon as I step foot on the planks I hear a cacophony of wretched caws. The chirps from the infernal birds warp and change into words, words that scare me. “You know he won’t like you.”

“The more you hold it in, the more it will hurt.”

 “If he finds out, your life’s over.”

The caws get louder and more abrasive and in a desperate attempt to escape the noise I reach for the door handle.

            I try to turn the handle but it’s jammed. I hear the malevolent voices behind me screaming. “Gabe! Why do you even try to hide it? The sooner he knows the sooner he can humiliate you and get this over with!”

 “You should be scared! There’s no way it will work for you!”

I feel myself curling into a ball next to the door, and I try to shut them out until all I hear is one voice. “Gabe! What’s wrong? Please get up.” This voice is different; it’s not angry, but concerned.

“The crows!” I burst out, but Richard stops me.

“It’s okay, it’s gone.” It? There were dozens of them though. “Come inside, I’ll get you a cup of tea.” He walks me inside and seats me as he heads to the kitchen. I hear him talking to himself as he makes my tea and once again I’m trapped within my thoughts.

Those crows, those bullies are there every day, but never such numbers. It’s always one following me around town, squawking and yelling at me, but it’s easy enough to push aside. I just wish they would leave me alone most days, stop harassing me and leave me to my life. But I know they aren’t the ones harassing me. They aren’t the ones that insult me and yell and get inside my mind. Those voices are already there, making me unsure of what to do. I want them to cease. I want all these insecurities to disappear. I want this cold in my chest to go away and let me be. But nothing’s ever that simple.

Richard returns and hands me my tea. “I made it just how you like it,” he tells me with a smile. I take it from his hand and he gives my shoulder a little shake before sitting back down in his armchair. A few minutes pass as he reads and I stare at the fire, hoping maybe like a fairytale, my godfather will appear in the flames and know what to do. But no such luck. I look up to see Richard looking back at me. “Okay Gabe, what’s wrong? And don’t say nothing, because it’s not nothing.”

I stare back at him, slightly shocked by his sudden show of concern. His eyes seem serious and I can’t help but look away. I feel his hand on my shoulder and I turn to look back at him. “Please,” he whispers softly to me. “I can’t help you if you won’t tell me what’s wrong. “

“I-I know, but I’m afraid you’ll judge me. I’m afraid we won’t be friends anymore.”

“I promise I won’t judge you. You can trust me, we’re friends.” His eyes glisten like supernovae, so much warmer than the eyes of my nightmarish predators. The frigid fear of my own instincts chokes me, but I force through it and speak.

            “I’ve been hiding something from you for a long time, but it needs to come out.” My mouth seems to freeze solid, but I force this glacier from my maw and spill my secrets. “I like you Richard. A lot. I like you, and I haven’t been sure how to say it, but I said it anyway. I care about you as more than a friend.” His eyes soften, the ever-present warmth dissipating the fractals of subzero doubt in my mind. His lips spread ever so slightly, and small flares of crimson blossom from under his skin, like sunlight melting more ice floes of insecurities from my veins. He hasn’t so much as said a word, but I feel the chill that has haunted me drift away, a ghost being banished and put to rest.  

            “Well, Gabe…” his voice trails off and his gaze shifts. I turn away and I feel doubt come surging back to me in tsunamis. I feel a warm hand rest on my shoulder and look up to see Richard smiling at me. “Why don’t we go for a walk?” He extends his hand to me and helps me up.

            We step outside as the sun reveals itself from behind the thick, grey clouds of winter. I bask in its heat and watch as the snow-banks around me make way for bright marigolds and warm, scarlet zinnias.

            Richard takes my hand as we walk down the steps of our flat. “How do paninis sound for lunch?”

            “That sounds brilliant.” Maybe this could work.